No one ever said creativity grows on trees. At least no one’s ever told me that. I’m pretty sure I’d remember due to that being the type of saying that could lead to someone getting punched in the throat. Having established the non-existence of a creativity tree, one is left wondering where do these creative juices actually come from and can I buy them in bulk from Costco? My stash went dry, and it feels like Omar Little went all stick-up kid on my re-up. It truly is as depressing as it sounds…

I think it’s best that we move on immediately. I’d also like to suggest completely forgetting anything I’ve ever written. Don’t give me that look, this hurts me more than it hurts you. Okay, maybe completely ignore was a bit strong. I’ll also accept mostly, pretty much, or kinda. Right about now you may be thinking something along the lines of, “But, Mike, how are we supposed to forget the gift of words you’ve so graciously bestowed upon us?” The task may seem ludicrous and daunting and intimidating and a bit impossible, but all of that is just a mirage. Don’t believe me, do you? It’s alright. I get it.

Of course, I am the guy who just re-read 10,000+ words of fiction that represented the groundwork for a novel that would have probably sold at least 100 copies to people I may or may not know. I’m the one who was so disgusted by what I read that 3,000 words in I became convinced that some sort of cosmic joke was to blame for the driveling nonsense splashed across my computer screen. At the 7,000 word mark I realized that if I survived the tortuous affair I would have no trouble making it through any future waterboarding sessions. I guess I should be happy that I no longer have to be afraid of Guantanamo Bay…At approximately the 10,348th word I ran out of reasons to continue the intellectual raping of my id and ego, so I did the most logical thing I could think of: permanently deleted that bitch from existence.

It’s like it never happened, and the world may be a better place because of that. What? No, I’m not crying. No I’m not…Seriously, I just got something in my eye. Shouldn’t you be doing some forgetting of your own? Don’t worry about me, I don’t wear shoes with laces in them so there’s nothing to worry about. I’m pretty sure I won’t hate myself much more tomorrow morning than I did this morning…

Hey, how ’bout we pep this bitch the fuck up? Get our cheer on as the cool kids say. I can’t think of anything less depressing or suicide inducing than taking a look back at the year that somehow led me to where I am now. Can you? I didn’t think so. The following are just some of the things I liked, loved, or loathed about 2011. (Side-note: There is no order to what you will read below, especially one of the chronological sort. In fact, I can’t (won’t) even commit to 2011 being the sole year represented in this end-of-year list. Let’s just assume that everything below is probably likelier to have come from the past than the future, and that the present is almost certainly in no way responsible.)

1Q84 by Haruki Murakami is one of the greatest books ever written. The translation from Japanese to English is absolutely flawless according to an unnamed (and imaginary) Japanese source. I’d like to tell you that I hate to call it the perfect novel, but I don’t. It is the perfect novel for crushing the dreams and aspirations of an unpublished author with an unreasonable amount of self-confidence. Thank you Aomame, Tengo, and Fuka-Eri. You can find me in the town of cats.

Odd Future is good. Tyler Comma (aka Tyler, the Creator) is pretty good. But Earl Sweatshirt will be great. The kid’s an absolute fucking monster, and I can only hope that he returns from Samoa with a hunger to demolish all the Drakes and Dom Kennedys of the world. Hip-hop needs you Earl, therefore I need you.

Sandman Slim is my fucking hero! Richard Kadrey is a fucking legend! (Side-note: Skip to the 3:32 mark of that video to hear Kadrey answer my question. MY QUESTION!!)

Lebron James will never be as great as MJ, and that’s more disappointing than anything.

Recently I’ve been accused of being biased against female rappers and white rappers. There’s an underlying truth in there somewhere. However, Azealia Banks is fucking fire. How could I not love filthy verses delivered by a 20-year-old betty from Harlem over British house music?

How is it that Bravo consistently has the worst thing on TV at any given time? If I were in charge of things they would be brought up on charges of treason for trying to kill America through television-terrorism. Seriously, kill yourself Bravo! (Side-note: It’s on right now and the old British lady who belongs to Jiggy just said “cock sock”.)

Kanye West is the most creative person to make music during my lifetime. It was through him that I realized music truly is an art form.

Obama should have saved Bin Laden for like October 2012. Double-tapping him three weeks before the election would have guaranteed a win. You already lived next door to him for months (re: at least a year), what’s another year and a half or so?

Being a Notre Dame fan is as miserable as it sounds. I’m literally convinced they are trying to break my heart. The only upside is that Michael Floyd will be a mid-first round draft pick, and the Falcons could have a chance at him.

Unemployment is a bitch. There is no sugarcoating it. I wish Grantland would hire me, it’s by far the best new website of the year.

You know the mysterious “bandwidth” that is 4G, 3G, Wi-Fi, and phone calls? Where exactly is all this data at? Are we completely engulfed in invisible data at all times? I think we are, and I’m pretty sure in 50 years we’ll realize that there were some unforeseen side-effects.

That’s all for now. Expect more of the same tomorrow. Or it could be completely different. Either way, come back and expect to have your mind blown. You should also be prepared for your expectations to not be met and to once again leave feeling disappointed and a little bit dead inside. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

Yeah, so today is Monday and I didn’t do an op-ed piece Friday, my bad. Look, I was tired…okay? My work schedule was all types of effed up last week, and it made things difficult for me. That doesn’t mean that today’s post is that editorial, because it’s not. What it is, are a few rambling thoughts on the two biggest events last week: the return of Reflection Eternal and the departure of Lost. In fact, we’re gonna call this segment, The GP Review, just because I can bitch!

First things first, Reflection Eternal is shitting on every hip-hop album to come out in a long time. It is seriously that good. In case you’ve been asleep for the past decade and a half, Reflection Eternal is Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek. Their first album, Train of Thought, is a classic you need to own. I’m not even going to get started on the massive amount of win that is Blackstar, which was Kweli, Mos Def & Hi-Tek, because I’m assuming you know of that glory. Anyway, their latest, Revolutions Per Minute, is absolutely crazy. The second track “City Playgrounds” has to be my favorite; Kweli’s lyricism combined with Hi-Teks beats are a gift for the ears. Basically, I’m saying get this Album of the Year nominee at all costs, you won’t regret it.

Lost is gone. It’s all over. The best show ever not called The Wire is no more. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who has yet to see it, but I thought it lived up to grand expectations. We got answers, they left some questions, and it didn’t piss me off at the end. Here’s where I share too much with you guys, a tear or two may have developed while watching it. What?! Don’t sleep, you know the bit with Charlie was nice as hell to see. The best thing of all to me had to be us seeing Rose and Bernard again. I was beginning to think the writers had forgotten about them, thankfully I was wrong. I plan on doing a more in-depth piece on Lost sometime soon and will talk more about the finale then. I still can’t believe it’s gone, but I’m glad they ended before they ruined an amazing six year journey.

Today’s lesson in hip-hop is brought to you by The Legendary Roots Crew. The “hardest working band in hip-hop” are getting set to drop How I Got Over on June 22. The first single “dear god 2.0″ has been leaked and you can listen to it below. It’s fire, don’t worry. I’m sad to say, I slept on The Roots, and Black Thought especially, for too long, dude’s definitely one of the best in the game. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

So here’s the deal, every Friday I’ll be doing a post that covers a bunch of junk that I either missed, or didn’t post about earlier in the week. If there’s something extra tasty that I wrote about, I’ll probably be including it as well. Like the rest of this glorious blog, the Friday post is still a work in progress and the format could change drastically from week to week. What I’m trying to say is that in no way do I or the rest of GP’s staff endorse or guarantee that every Friday’s post will be in any way similar to any done on a previous, or future, Friday. (Side-note: You’re probably thinking, “I know Mike doesn’t have a staff. Why’s he fronting on my crew?” You’re wrong sucka!! I do, in fact, have a staff. Who cares that it consists of myself, TheMrs., and our two dogs aka Team RamRox. Do you have a staff? DO YOU?!?!)

I’ve already admitted to the fact that I basically hate Apple and Stevie J., but I had no idea they could be such little gingers. During a panel at last week’s GDC (Game Developers Conference) a developer of a basically unknown app trashed the App Store declaring that he, “absolutely fucking hate[s] the iPhone app store.” Well, Ol’ Jobsy got his panties in a bunch and now that guys app has been yanked from said App Store. Way to be adults about it, Apple. There are people all across the interwebs that have said Google’s Nexus One has been a failure. Well, Google decided to stick it’s tongue out at them while yelling, “Nuh-uh!! Our phone is too good and is selling just fine and I’m telling my mommy!!” All this happened in the same week that Microsoft decided they may be giving its pathetic excuse of a game console, the Xbox 360, the option to use an external USB Hard Drive to solve space issues. Of course, they’re only going to let you have an extra 16GB of space because they’re Microsoft and they do what they want, damnit! Nice to know that the three biggest tech companies in the world can be such spoiled brats…

This week was also the week in which some genius, who’s actually the head of the International Actors’ Federation, was asked about Internet Piracy and responded with this gem of a quote, “To me, piracy is something adventurous, it makes you think about Johnny Depp. We all want to be a bit like Johnny Depp. But we’re talking about a criminal act. We’re talking about making it impossible to make a living from what you do.” I haven’t talked about Piracy here yet, but if you know me you know that I don’t really have a problem with it. But, I’ve never thought, “Man, if I download the latest episode of The Office, I’ll be just like Johnny Depp since he was a pirate and I’d be committing an act of piracy.” I’m convinced that at least 90% of the population are complete morons…We’re going to try to end each week with a few choice videos that I haven’t shown yet. So, let’s get to the ones for this week since they’ll wrap up this glorious day in which I got my tax refunds back. (Side-note: It was so awesome to check my bank account this morning and see the numbers I saw. It was just like in Office Space when they check their account and realize they totally screwed up on their big stealing plans only there was nowhere near that many zeroes. I did, however, get to buy a Kindle, so expect an unboxing extravaganza Monday and my full review later in the week.) The first video is an awesome one done by Penguin Books speaking on the future of books and ebooks. The next video is Sony’s first ad for their upcoming Playstation Move. They take some shots at the Wii and the 360 and it works, even though I don’t think the Wii is in any trouble; I actually wrote up a nice piece on that over at TheSpin last week. And I’m gonna top off this Friday-flavored Sunday with a cherry that is cleverly disguised as the debut trailer for Robert Rodriguez’s upcoming reboot, Predators. I’ve loved every film in the Predator franchise, even AvP: Requiem, and this one looks to be stupid dope. Can.Not.Wait. So, there you have it, GP’s inaugural Week In Geek, I only hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

We got a nice surprise from Comcast today in the form of an asston more HD channels. Of course, about half of them aren’t showing up, but that’s Comcast for you, they can never get everything just right. Unfortunately, one of the new channels is Bravo which is something that TheMrs. frequently tunes in to. I’m not even sure you can call the crap they put on the air entertainment, unless you consider TV that makes you want to gouge your eyes out entertaining. The worst show of all has to be this total crapfest called “Millionaire Matchmaker”. If you’ve been lucky enough to have not suffered through an hour of this shit yet, let me sum it up for you. Basically, there’s this super-annoying and ugly lady, who is possibly the most horrible woman on TV, that runs a club that pairs younger women that are attractive in that “I’m pretty sure you have a disease and will probably look like Kirstie Alley in the morning” way with ultra douchey millionaires in L.A. Okay, I’m no Rico Suave or anything, but if you’re a millionaire and aren’t morbidly obese or a ginger, there’s no reason you can’t pull betties on your own. Yet, these suckers have decided to allow the monster named Patty tell them what they need to do to get one of the bimbos she’s setting them up with to fall for them. The incredible thing is, she acts like it’s some super difficult thing. I KNOW!! It’s not rocket science, just don’t be a douche and spend money on the gold digger. (Side-note: The worst part is, she acts like the women and men in her “club” are actually there for love. No. They’re not. If a single tramp in L.A. joins a club that sets her up with millionaires, she’s a gold-digging heffer. Yup, I just went there.) If I could, I’d join the Make-A-Wish Foundation and then wish that I could go to L.A. and then punch this lady in her ugly face. I’m kinda starting to hate myself for talking about this trash for so long and the remote is too far away right now, so let’s move on…

So, my little sister has an unhealthy obsession with zombies and may even believe the zombie apocalypse is an inevitability. She’s wrong. It’s robots we have to worry about. (Side-note: Seriously, the other day I was watching this show on History that was all about factories and robots are scary yo! The new Kia plant that was built in Nowhere, Georgia is basically completely run by robots. People are no longer responsible for building cars and its only a matter of time before robots take over everything else. An interesting thought is to wonder if Toyota plants are run the same way, and if so did the robots mess all the gas and brake pedals up on purpose? Yeah, think about that all you Camry drivers. Just sayin’…) Anyway, for Christmas we got her Pride and Prejudice and Zombies which is supposedly pretty awesome. At least awesome enough for her to already have a copy of; thank God for gift receipts. Anyway, the author of the smash hit, Seth Grahame-Smith, is back in the mashup game; only this time he’s going historic. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is his latest novel, and I can attest to the fact that it’s totally BA. Told as a sort of Faux-Biography, the story sheds an all new light on Honest Abe. The fact that Grahame-Smith used the rise of vampires as a segue into dealing with the issue of slavery is absolutely genius. It’s been a minute since I’ve been blown away by a book, and I’m thankful to Smith and his tale of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter for restoring a bit of faith in the written word. As you can tell, the author is not afraid to deviate from the norm, and he definitely strayed the path by producing a trailer for his book. Yes, there is a trailer for a novel. And it rocks! If you’ve ever wondered what it’d be like to see Abe Lincoln killing vampires, and who hasn’t, then check the video below. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

If you’ve been paying attention and readying yourselves for the GP quiz that will be given one week before the robot apocalypse, you know that I don’t have a lot of love for Apple, or for gingers but that’s a post for another day. My reasoning for the disdain is fairly easy to explain: the company and its fanboys think they are too cool for school. They’re not. Yes, I’m sure a $1500-manila envelope fitting laptop that doesn’t have any drives is perfect for someone with little computer knowledge and money to waste. At least it looks purty, right? My biggest problem surrounds the iPhone though. I hate that it is the best phone out right now. I hate that no other company can get their shit together enough to put out a phone that’s at the very least almost as good as Stevie Jobs’ juggernaut. I also hate the fact that any shred of “coolness” that the phone had in its early life has been destroyed by the sheer numbers of people who own one. The iPhone is the new Motorola Razr and I hate the fact that if I get one and actually answer the phone in public, I’ll have to live with the embarrassment that comes with using the same phone as the 40 year-old WASP that can’t figure out how to keep his kids from screaming in a restaurant and his botox using wife and his 66 year-old ultra-snotty mother and all three of the aforementioned screaming kids (who just so happen to be gingers) that are all under the age of 15. I also hate that, despite all of this, unless Google releases an Android phone that can seriously compete with the functionality of the iPhone, I am doomed to buy one. So, if you wanna know why I hate Apple, there’s a couple reasons for you.

The problem is, no one at any other company seems competent enough to produce a phone that can compete. No matter how they try, the iPhone still seems to shit on them. Take Google’s Nexus One for instance. The hype that lead to its announcement was only rivaled by Apple’s own iPad announcement. (Side-note: Seriously, everyone was talking about the mysterious “Google Phone” for weeks leading up to its unveiling, same as with the iPad. When it was announced people were drooling as well as being kinda “meh”, same as the iPad. Wouldn’t it be awesome if the iPad failed as bad as the Nexus One?) Then came the release of the Nexus One and no one really paid attention. Well, 135,000 people were paying attention but compared to the Droid and the iPhone, that’s peanuts. Each of those phones hit the million-sold mark at this point in their life, at this rate it could take the Nexus One almost two years to get their. Just because I’m a bit of a masochist, let me point out that the iPad took in 120,000 pre-orders in its first day; God I hate Apple… Maybe releasing the phone in an unlocked model that is usable on AT&T’s 3G network will help. Probably not. If people aren’t buying the phone now at T-Mobile’s reduced price, I doubt they’ll buy the $529 unlocked version. All I can do is hope that AT&T gets the Android phone that finally lives up to the hype and slays the Goliath that is the iPhone.

Now, for something completely different. I will go to the grave saying The Wire was the greatest TV show of all time. In the show’s fourth season of the show, a few episodes include segments with Marlo Stanfield and the fact that he raises homing pigeons. I was always amazed by this fact; the thought of homing pigeons in the slums of West Baltimore is incredible. Almost as incredible as the fact that Mike Tyson also raises homing pigeons and in fact races them. Apparently the folks at Animal Planet heard about this because Tyson is tapped to host a show about pigeon racing. Yeah, shit is bonkers. The fact that a dude who was at one time one of the scariest men on the planet raises pigeons is mind-boggling. I’ve got a feeling this will be the best animal related show next to The Dog Whisperer. There’s no trailer for the show, tentatively titled “Taking on Tyson”, but there is a truly epic video of Tyson’s greatest knockouts which you’ll find below. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

I am man enough to sit here and tell you that I really liked the movie Armageddon. It’s one of those cheesy ass action movies that I watch pretty much anytime it’s on TV. It’s just so damned good, and at the end when Harry tells A.J. to take care of Rose, don’t be surprised if I have something in my eye that’s creating excess moisture. I’m just sayin’, shit’s sad seeing Affleck crying for Harry when he decides he’s the one to stay on the rock and nuke it so everyone on Earth doesn’t die. I may just have a soft spot for Affleck though. Dude was the bomb in Phantoms yo!! (Side-note: IMDB has JJ Abrams listed as one of the writers of Armageddon. He’s such a beast!! It’s insane the amount of quality homey is responsible for. Especially when you consider the fact that his first hit was Felicity. Don’t sleep, the show was good and all until Ben had to start acting like a bitch all the time…)

As it turns out, Harry and A.J.’s mission to nuke an asteroid and split it in half so that the two pieces would drift far enough apart that they would pass the Earth by mere miles on each pole would probably not work. (Side-note: That’s a crazy-schemey type of plan anyway. Kinda like the one the FBI and other people have come up with to explain how D.B. Cooper must be dead. I mean one of the ideas is that he landed in a river, was then caught by a passing boats propeller and dragged upstream before dying and then his lifeless body floated back downstream only to be dumped into the Ocean where it now rests at the bottom. Isn’t it easier to just assume that he survived and is some old dude just laughing it up right now at all the crazy theories? Check the link if you have no idea what I’m on about.) Back to my original point though, according to an article on NewScientist, that I actually found on Gizmodo, within a couple of hours the asteroid could go all T-1000 on our asses and pull itself back together in time to fulfill its destiny as Earth demolisher. There is hope though, studies show that if we use a 900-kiloton bomb it could be completely destroyed. I’m no rocket scientist or anything, but I’m pretty sure that’s a damned big bomb. Also, you gotta love these tests they use to figure this junk out. I mean, I’m sure they’re all fairly accurate, but I like to imagine it’s a couple Trekkies in a room with a bunch of cherry bombs and some rocks they found in their parents driveways.

Since I don’t exactly have a video of asteroid-destroying nuclear bombs, I’ll give you the trailer for Ironman 2 which comes out May 7. I’m a major fan of the first Ironman and think it pretty much raped The Dark Knight, even though I’m pretty sure that me and The Mrs. are the only ones who think this, but I’m a bit iffy about the sequel. Mainly because for some reason they cast Scarlett Johansson in it. She’s such a crap actress and I may hate her almost as much as I do Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow. Anyway, the “briefcase suit” at the end is ridiculously BA, so there’s something cool at least. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.

So earlier this week someone, probably a ginger, stole the movies I was returning to Netflix right out of my mailbox. Who does that? I mean, were they hoping I had some inside connection with Netflix and I could get movies they couldn’t? Have they been stealing my other mail like my subscription to Golf magazine that I look at on the way back inside before throwing it away??!?! If my suspicions are true and the culprit is indeed a ginger and/or Canadian then the answer is definitely a yes. You can’t put anything past them. The only part of this extreme violation of my own personal property that I find satisfying is that the movies were awful. I’d love to see the look on their freckly face when they get home and realize they just committed a federal offense for a Blu-ray copy of Paper Heart and Post Grad. Seriously, it’d be priceless.

I would probably not find it as humorous if they had stolen a copy of Tron Legacy. Yes, if they had stolen a copy of the sequel to one of the most BA movies of all time, a sequel that hasn’t been released yet and is probably not even finished filming, but that for the sake of the crusade against gingers I’ve convinced myself that I had a copy of and they stole it, then I would be super pissed. Luckily for them, that is not the case. What is the case is that Disney has finally released an official trailer for the film which will give you Light Cycle glory in splendid 3D this holiday season. To see the amazing trailer all you have to do watch it right down there. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.